I’m going to attempt to put all 78 comments from this 360 blog on here because, well…. there were some really good ones. lol Besides that, Chuck Norris deserves his own got damn page. Am I right!?! ;-)

Originally posted May 26, 2006

Roundhousing a WolfMy kids were reciting these the other night and they had me laughing so hard I thought I was gonna die. Apparently Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is as big of a hit (no pun intended) with them as it was with me oh so many years ago.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

 

Comments

(78 total)

1 - 50 of 78

 

  • Yardy

I am laughing so hard I am crying!!!

Friday May 26, 2006 - 01:35am (CDT)

 

  • Missy

ME TOO YARDY!!!

Ahhhhhhhhh this was AWESOME!!

Thursday May 25, 2006 - 11:54pm (PDT)

 

  • Dani

OMG…thank you…HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Thursday May 25, 2006 - 11:59pm (PDT)

  • hyiidra

I dated Chuck once……. he tried to roundhouse kick me because I wouldn’t blow him…….. I bit his dick off…… true story.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 03:08am (PDT)

  • …

Aaaaaaccccckkkk!!! I was going to type: LMAO, of course, but now I have to type “LSHIP” (laughing so hard I peed) at Hyiidra’s comment above!! Aaaaaaackkkk! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Must stop. Can’t breathe.

[*deep intakes of breath only to pause and then….*]

….LSHIP, A !!!! (again) Hahahahahaha!

Friday May 26, 2006 - 05:13am (MDT)

  • kisme…

If you bite Chuck Norris’ dick off, he grows a bigger better one.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 06:57am (CDT)

  • hyiidra

yeah….. i bit that off too…… we broke up after that. It wasn’t good for his publicity.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 05:10am (PDT)

  • hyiidra

then I dated his publicist…….. he offered me a cocktail and didn’t put enough ice in it….. so i bit his dick off too.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 05:11am (PDT)

  • kisme…

Damn dick biter!

Friday May 26, 2006 - 07:40am (CDT)

 

  • kisme…

I guess there’s no question about how you eat a Tootsie Pop!

Friday May 26, 2006 - 07:48am (CDT)

  • hyiidra

why waste time licking? I am a busy woman…… sometimes.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 06:00am (PDT)

 

  • Voodoo

haha….my kids loved Walker, Texas Ranger……old chucky is a little too cheesey for my taste

Friday May 26, 2006 - 06:31am (PDT)

  • Sheldon

*ROTFLMFAO* I love the Chuck Norris jokes. I really hope he doesn’t read this blog and roundhouse kick my ass later, but man were those jokes funny. Thanx for the laughs KJ*!

Friday May 26, 2006 - 07:49am (PDT)

  • Jim

Ha,Ha,Ha!
Nice list!
Bruce Lee would would win in a fight with Chuck Norris everytime.
The guy was the true master of the Martial Arts.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 12:37pm (EDT)

  • Empty

Awesome post and very Lone Wolf McQuade of you

Friday May 26, 2006 - 11:57am (CDT)

  • Shimmer

lol@ chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did. lol

Oh…these are too funny… and the conversation above… just as funny. crazy 360 comedians. lol

Friday May 26, 2006 - 01:27pm (CDT)

 

  • Miche…

I subbed to a chat lougne awhile back and these were all posted in there - and you know, I didn’t really get it then either. I don’t like chuck norris much and never understood how that man made it to the point he did…LOL…<shrug>

Friday May 26, 2006 - 02:20pm (CDT)

  • hyiidra

He won’t make it anymore….. he doesn’t have a dick.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 12:29pm (PDT)

 

  • …

Hahahahahahahahaha!! Bonii Jo - you are just tooooooo much!!! Look what you did! You Blog Hijacked Kerri’s blog!! I have enjoyed your dick biting more than the original post! I’m going to have to start calling you “Uma” or “The Bride” LOL!

Friday May 26, 2006 - 04:48pm (MDT)

 

  • Call …

I have always disliked Chuck Norris. lol

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 12:42am (CDT)

 

  • hyiidra

Hell yes I blogjacked her!!! Have you seen some of the stuff she writes about me??? This, a woman who professes to adore me, dedicates a whole blog to why she hates my guts. ROFLMAO.

Now that one………. was funny….

Kerri knows I adore her, she also knows I am a sick and twizted bitch.

Friday May 26, 2006 - 11:19pm (PDT)

 

  • kisme…

What was that sound? Oh my gosh. Chuck Norris just roundhoused and kicked out Bonii Jo’s teeth and grew another dick!

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 06:53am (CDT)

 

  • ™Miss…

Omg you guys are mad LoL comments are funnnier that the Chuck stuff …eww chuck stuff….yuk
New line of porcelain …..Chuck Stuff…not only does it self clean but it kicks your **** right back in

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 10:33pm (EST)

  • Empty

Hey, anyone seen my dick?

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 07:34am (CDT)

  • Empty

When on vacation in December of ‘04 I was stung by a jelly fish. Delirious with rage at the unadulterated insolence, I roundhouse kicked the ocean into submission. The result nearly wiped out a generation of Thais.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 07:44am (CDT)

 

  • kisme…

Why don’t you SHOW us your dick, Chuck?

I knew it was you that caused the tsunami.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 07:56am (CDT)

  • Empty

It’s a Chuck Norris Memorial Weekend

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 08:00am (CDT)

  • Empty

<–roundhouse kick to Kerri with my dick

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 08:07am (CDT)

 

  • kisme…

RIGHT ON!

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 08:09am (CDT)

  • kisme…

I bet Chuck Norris is great in the sack.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 08:19am (CDT)

  • Empty

Chuck Norris invented the plastic sack

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 08:29am (CDT)

 

  • ™Miss…

look out KJ he has jumper cables attached to his nipples

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 12:06am (EST)

 

  • Santu…

LOL! This is the best god damned, chuck collection i have ever come across! EXCELLENT WORK HON, 12/10 to you !

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 07:40pm (IST)

 

  • Mister E

*LOL* great stuff Kerri!!!

Here are a couple of facts that are good to remember,

* “Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People”.

* “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.”

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 09:23am (CDT)

 

  • kisme…

Missy Fran: I hope he has a saddle and some motor oil to go along with those jumper cables. I’m ready to get Chucked!

Santulan: It’s getting deeper and deeper, isn’t it?

Oooooh, NICE ONES, Mister E! I’m soooo gonna rent some of his movies this weekend. LOL

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 09:32am (CDT)

  • Empty

Fact: Chuck Norris does not have hair on his testicles as hair cannot grow on steel.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 10:51am (CDT)

 

  • hyiidra

fact: chuck doesn’t have hair on his testicles because they are hanging from my rear view mirror….. THAT’S A FACT!

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 09:06am (PDT)

  • Empty

Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 12:37pm (CDT)

 

  • kisme…

That could come in handy. Get it? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 04:10pm (CDT)

 

  • Stevi…

i’m afraid if i laugh, i will get a roundhouse kick….

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 05:19pm (EDT)

 

  • hyiidra

oh yeah!? well he might be able to play connect four but he sucks at Monopoly. I bought his balls.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 02:28pm (PDT)

  • Greg

Here is 2 more:

Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands…now its just called The Islands….

Chuck Norris completely destroyed the periodic table of elements because the only element he was interested in was the “element of surprise”

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 06:17pm (CDT)

  • Empty

 

Chuck Norris’ penis has a Hemi.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 08:28pm (CDT)

  • KJ*

LOL @ Greg!!!

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 09:49pm (CDT)

 

  • My§te…

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Saturday May 27, 2006 - 10:02pm (CDT)

  • Empty

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 12:27am (CDT)

 

  • Shake…

“Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.”

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 01:58am (EDT)

  • kisme…

LOL!!!!!

Chuck Norris killed 5 men. With 4 bullets.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 02:15am (CDT)

 

  • My§te…

Chuck Norris can tame lions by nestling them with his beard.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 07:52am (CDT)

  • Empty

Underneath Chuck Norris’ beard is not a chin but another fist.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 09:06am (CDT)

51 - 78 of 78 First | < Prev | Next > | Last

  • Miste…

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 10:31am (CDT)

 

  • My§te…

Chuck Norris can walk, talk, chew gum, pat his head, rub his belly and can still kill you quietly and unnoticed on a busy street corner.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 10:48am (CDT)

  • Empty

 

Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 11:53am (CDT)

  • Liste…

omg!!!!!!!

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 12:54pm (CDT)

  • Sienn…

LMBO! I will never look at Chuck Norris the same again!!

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 01:37pm (PDT)

  • My§te…

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Sunday May 28, 2006 - 03:51pm (CDT)

  • Empty

Chuck Norris cannot swim so he just jumps in the pool, the water jumps out(out of fear) and he walks to the other end.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 09:52am (CDT)

 

  • Miste…

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:29pm (CDT)

  • kisme…

ROTFL!!!!!

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:29pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

 

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:30pm (CDT)

  • kisme…

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:31pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:31pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:32pm (CDT)

  • kisme…

OMG, You’re killing me!!!

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:32pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:33pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:34pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:36pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Michael Jackson is only white now because Chuck Norris round-house kicked the black out of him.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:38pm (CDT)

  • kisme…

I watched Chuck Norris kill five men with 4 bullets in “Missing in Action” this weekend.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:40pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:46pm (CDT)

  • kisme…

LOL!!!

Monday May 29, 2006 - 10:46pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 11:04pm (CDT)

  • Miste…

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

Monday May 29, 2006 - 11:23pm (CDT)

  • Kurry…

I thought this post was hilarious until I read the comments. It was way to early in the morning for this…and now my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard!

Tuesday May 30, 2006 - 06:32am (EDT)

  • Miste…

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

Tuesday May 30, 2006 - 08:16am (CDT)

 

  • Steph…

OMG, this whole POST, comments and ALL, are better than mine about Da Man!!!! lol, I was laughing SO HARD, I choked!! my son had to pat my back, and ask me if I was ok!!! whew….!

true fact, from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/chuck_norris.html

“Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth. ” Chuck Norris.

Lets give Da Man a hand, people!!!

Thursday June 1, 2006 - 12:59am (CDT)

  • Marc T

Go to www.chucknorrisfacts.com for a huge list of Chuck factoids, including those with the official approval of Chuck himself.

Friday June 2, 2006 - 09:12am (PDT)

  • Me Again

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/missy_angel66/YMash/chucksays2.jpg
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/missy_angel66/YMash/chucksays1.jpg

Sunday September 23, 2007 - 12:00am (EST)

 Submitted by Grant:  Bullets dodge Chuck Norris  LOL